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Lit'l Bits Collection


Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Hurt Feelings

I was at the customer service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

"Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked.

"Yes," I said. "They hurt my feelings."
The Graduate

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young college graduate, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The graduate replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The graduate sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Wrong Way

There is a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
Out of the Mouths of Babes

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year old daughter with me on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

Have you heard of the 50-50-90 Rule? Here’s how it works. Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
A Little Humor

It is said that one day God was walking through the Garden of Eden. After a short while, He came across Adam. Adam was in low spirits this particular day, and God asked him what was wrong. Adam told the Lord that he was lonely.

God responded that He would create Adam a companion. She would walk by his side for all eternity. She would listen to his problems. She would wash his clothes. She would keep his house clean. She would cook his meals. She would do anything to keep him happy. Most importantly, she would never complain or nag him.

Adam was ecstatic. His spirits lifted immediately. The Lord hated to tell him that this creature would come at an expensive price. God finally told Adam that this new creature would cost him an arm and leg.

Adam replied, ”What can I get for a rib?” … The rest is history.
My Mother Taught Me...

My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
Computer Instruction

When a woman decided to improve her computer skills, she threw herself into the task with enthusiasm, borrowing two or three instructional books from the library each week.

After about a month, the librarian commented: "Wow! You must be getting really knowledgeable about this stuff."

"Thanks. What makes you say that?"

"Well," said the librarian," only one of the books you're taking out this week has "For Dummies" in the title."

"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately."

"Yes, he is, very."

"What is the matter with him?"

"He is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he can sit patiently hour after hour waiting for a fish to nibble at his bait."

"...upon this rock I will build My church..." Matt.16:18

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